I’ve been carrying these unspoken thoughts in my heart for a month now. It was your 20th birthday 27 days ago. Writing to you has always been my way of trying to release these thoughts of grief and anger while also being able to share my love with you.
My sweet boy, I love you every single day and I miss you more than I ever knew was possible. It can get so loud in my head. I feel the pressure and pain build in my chest and the tears begin to well up in my eyes before they start streaming. I don’t love it. It exhausts me, but I am your momma bear and I will forever take whatever comes my way for you. Being your mom continues to be a gift. I am thankful for the moments where I get to speak your name and share your beautiful picture with others.
I remember your 1st birthday with such happiness. I can see your smile when you got to double fist that cake. I can hear your laugh, when you played with your new toys. I’d give anything to go back there to do everything all over again to protect you. This time of the year is so difficult. It is hard to find happiness when just months after your first and only birthday, you’d be taken from me. Life forever changed in that moment.
I hate Justin.
I hate that he hid who he was.
I hate that I was in a position where he entered our life.
I hate that I trusted him.
I hate that I didn’t see it.
I hate that I held you and didn’t know you were dying in my arms.
I hate that I’ll never know how you felt.
I hate that I couldn’t do anything to fix it.
I am so sorry.
We celebrated your birthday this year like we always do. Stayed home from work. Quiet day. Kenzy brought home some balloons. We wrote you messages and let them go. Watching my single balloon climb higher and higher, I like to imagine you catching it. That the single balloon is a thread between you and me. We have done this tradition for 19 years. I’m not sure when I’m supposed to stop, do something different. It never gets easier.
My Little Man, I want to make sure you know how you have enriched my life this past year. I started a new job last February. It has brought me many chances to share you with my new work family and friends. I may tell your story through tears, but I am so thankful I get to talk about you, share your smile, and have these opportunities to be your mom. It isn’t easy being vulnerable because it can be an opening for hurt. I believe your soul is with me and you continue to protect me. To anyone who may read this who is new to my life, thank you for listening without judgement, showing care for me and letting me be me. Zachary is so much a part of me, that it is impossible not to want to share him with the people around me.
I was thrilled to have our annual get together with the girls to catch up and celebrate your birthday. They have been remembering you each year on your birthday since they left my 6th grade classroom. Spending some time with them to see where they are each year as they grow, has become such a cherished time of the year for me. The idea that they love you and have never met you, is incredible. I see them grow and wonder what you’d be doing in your second year of college. I love our time together.
In the last blog I wrote, I mentioned how I was asked to share my voice regarding my initial perception of law enforcement and how it changed throughout the process. My statement will be used for a new class that Det. Kolcharno and his colleagues are creating for the National Criminal Justice Training Center for Conducting Unexplained Child Death.
Any chance I get to be able to help my heroes and in turn, others understand how this crime can impact people like me, I am happy to do it. I sat down and just wrote everything I could to try and convey the impact the officers have have had on me. I wanted to share it with you below. Zachary’s website has turned into a place to collect all the ways he continues to impact this world. It is not easy for me to hear myself reading my words but I know this is the right place to share my testimony. Because it was long and from the heart, I was worried about getting through it all without sobbing. So it’s recorded in one take. Stumbles and all. I hope that my feelings towards Det. Kolcharno and the others involved, were properly conveyed.
With your 20th birthday behind us and as we approach the 19th anniversary of your death, I am still here. I will always try and show up for you and I will continue to figure out this journey.
Zachary, I love you to heaven and back.
xoxo
Momma Bear
